❤Retreat❤

You knew I was about to fall off the cliff, yet you happily watched me fall. With all the woes and wounds of mine, you held out your hand and saved me. You rather let me die than to warn me about the truth you knew. You have my respect and I salute you.

In order to stop dwelling in untrustworthy words and actions.

In order to stop deceiving myself with all the truth that appears.

In order to stop tearing myself apart being invisible to you.

Right at this moment, it's time to retreat.

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤Unwritten❤

You always love to make up lies, yet I'm responsible for acting out scenes.
I made all the changes in me, so that I could step into your world.
The same old scene has been repeating itself more than a hundred times.
Only then I realised your heart is never mine, no longer mine.
You drew the border between us, rules that I must not simple break.

All my time have been prioritised for you.
Unknowingly, I'm so in love to the point that I dare not take any risks.
Having been your puppet for a year, then 2 years, and 3 years... the list went on.
A mix feelings of anxiety, fear, melancholy, frustration and...
Longing for happiness, a real life fairy tale, that's when I realised how pathetic I am.

I tried so hard, again and again, 
To ignore the obvious and shield myself from the blunt truth,
That you are truly clueless to how much you've hurt me.

A compromised love, still remains unresolved in the end.
Telling me how wonderful things could be.
Yet the story could not be written because your actions spoke the truth.
I've tried to grasp onto you, so that you would stay beside me.
But history keeps repeating itself and I'm exhausted.

Once you've made your ultimatum, I will hide in my own world.
I no longer want to shed any more tears for you.
I understand, you will never change for me.
No more pondering, I shall begin tomorrow myself.

Growth is painful.
Change is painful.
But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong.

she was a black unicorn, 

a mermaid washed ashore,

searching in a land of yesterday,

for a love that was no more...

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤Solitude❤

Hoping that things will be different, and yes it is different now. Just the matter of good or bad. Good for you, and both for me. It is hard to say whose fault to begin with, ain't going to start to pointing again as there will never be an end and it was never one party's fault. 

Is it even possible for a person to turn over a new leaf with the same broken one? Trying my very best to leave out what I am supposed to, and yes I did. Sadly, the trust never comes back at all. I questioned every single voice, every single actions, every single smile, every single laughter, every single thoughts, every single texts, every single calls, and the list goes on. I am living in doubts.

Things were taken into account. Comparison. 'Why' for every actions, every word said to the past and never to me. Dates and occasions that are important to me, was never for you. You never plan for me but you did for the past. Every single joy I had, good news, excitement, ups and down, you were the first that I would think of, but at that very moment, I paused...should I tell you? I hesitated.

I've told myself, well, good riddance, I am not going to care every single thing. I mean, really.... and yet... I failed. I don't understand our relationship. Sometimes we're friends, sometimes we're more than friends, and sometimes I'm just a stranger to you... I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone... it's not... The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone, even when you're together. I never believe, not until I finally experienced it.

I may not be the first to you anymore, and that's the fact for me to accept. I am no longer your first priority. No longer exist in your present and future plans. Not even the person you would love whole heartily. I am just... merely your friend with benefits. You never noticed how torn apart and broken am I.

It takes a lot of courage and trust to look past what you've been through, and trust someone new not to put you through it again. Take my word, it's every harder to trust the same old person. There is a difference between giving up, and knowing when you have had enough. Worst still, I am stuck in between.

What is that I am lack of, that I don't deserve to be treated well?

What is that I am lack of, that I don't deserve true love?

What is that I am lack of, that I don't deserve loyalty?

What is that I am lack of, that I don't deserve faithfulness?
What is that I am lack of, that I don't deserve happiness?

What is that I am lack of, that having me alone is never enough for you? 

I'm tired of fighting and now there is nothing left to fight for. I'm tired of explaining my feelings to you but now I don't have the energy to explain them anymore. I have to adapt to the changes in my life and I don't want to complain. I am on a self healing process and I am trying to forget everything I ever wanted from you. My silence, I am just trying to move on gracefully and with all my dignity.

One of the hardest decisions you'll ever face in life, choosing whether to walk away or try harder. You may not be pushing me away, but you're not fighting to keep me either. Above all, there's only one thing that I would ask from you. Don't come back breaking my heart, my life...ever again, I beg.

It's hot, yet my body shivers.

*****What exactly am I to you?*****

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤July Wish❤

The day that I fear finally arrived. A perfect gift that I received to 2014's birthday. I told myself if I ever found a reason to give up, to forget, to move on, to be happy without you, to stop crying because of you, to stop loving you, to... and to... and to...and... the list will never end. I finally found that reason. You said you are a philosopher, whatever quoted will definitely be better. You asked if I am jealous? Is that what makes you happy if I am jealous? For some reason, I will not admit, and I will try not to be. Is this a revenge that you are planning for? Well, it hits me. 

One once told me, as long as you are happy, it doesn't matter who you are with. I tried to make myself believe this, and when I finally experienced it, I tell you the truth, this is bullshit. You can never be happy seeing the one you love with someone else. Cleared my mind from this quote.

I don't believe in fairy tales nor true love. I always convince myself there's no one on earth will truly love you no matter what. I'm still living by it and will live by it. At times, I would ask myself, perhaps there's true love but I am just denying it until the day that you've reached the limit, that is why, true love from you never exist anymore. Convincing or should I say, comforting myself that it also proved that true love never exists. What is true love?

You once walk alone in tears, until the day that you finally give up and turn away from me. And right now onward, it will be the start that I will walk alone in tears, until the day that I finally give up and leave by myself. You said it's 300 times more depressed that how I feel right now, all I can say, I tried hard to get you back, for me it's real hard, way beyond what I will do, perhaps you just don't see it that way. Everyone on this earth is fighting a battle that you will never know anything about it. No one can judge a single thing about someone else including myself.

You told me to be a better person, try hard to live better and keep believing that someday, you and I will be happy together again if fate allows, that's what you did when I first, twice left. I tried, but I'm not as tough as you or others would see me to be. I can't. I'm just a spoil dependent child. If only fate is true.

The one that will never stay, just as the pink rose.

All I could wish for, ask for, beg for this year's birthday, a memory lost.

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤Hard Lesson❤

The third day without you, I roamed around the house aimlessly. As a Christian, I don't really know or understand how life after death really is. Christian believes that soul goes to a part of heaven after every death, that's the very basic thing that I know. By right, you are already in heaven. However, according to Chinese religion, souls tend to roam around the world, especially home before they actually realized that they are dead not until the 7th day, which is the day souls will be back to their family members for the one last time before they move on to reincarnation. I don't know if I should think it this way, is your soul still following me around at home not knowing that you are dead? Will you come back and leave me your last message when the 7th arrive?

I can't help it but to keep on thinking about you. This home is filled with your shadow and all the memories I had with you. Things that I wanted to do when we move into our new home, I'll have a corner where you can have your own space in my room, so that we can sleep together when night falls. We could play in the garden, take you for a walk around our new place which is much more spacious that the home we are living now. All this will never come to past.
Whenever I think about how innocent you died, there's nothing I can do but to blame myself for everything. I'm so sad to the extend that, I don't know what to do everyday, and just stone around sighing. I can't even concentrate on my final, yet wondering will I ever graduate? Now that you are no longer around, I guess I can finally leave here in peace.


One once told me, life and death is control by God. It's true that I'm furious at God why did He let this thing happened to you. Why didn't He save you when you are in pain? I wanted to blame God so much, so badly, but I couldn't. All things happened for a reason and He has His purpose. And I believed that He did this to you, just because of me. At the end of the day, everything is still my own fault, and I have no right to blame anyone in my life.

Everything that I'm going through, everything that's happening to me, it's all my own fault. I will not want the same incident to happen again. You are gone because of me and I can never forgive myself. I am truly sorry that you suffered your last breath because of me. Your incident has taught me hard, real hard. I have learnt my most cruel lesson ever in my entire life. I promise you, I will learn to stop living in the past, ever again. I just wish that... God didn't choose this way to teach me my life's lesson. *heart-break*

Love,
~Alyssa Cross~
~xoxo~

❤26 MAY 2009❤

2006 onward, my days haven't been good at all. 26 MAY 2009, I found my joy and laughter through you. This is the day that you came to this world, and was sent to my family. My years gradually improved with the days spent with you. Being Mommy's little boy, I didn't expect that you would love me more than anything and anyone else. 

Every day when I return home, you would welcome me with excitement. When I am home, you would look after me, follow me every where, never leave my side, even though it's just a small home. When it's time for meal, you would come to me and we dine together. And when night falls, unlike the normal days staying in your own bed when I am not around, instead you would follow me to bed. Whenever I am heading out, you would want to follow, and yet sometimes I would insist not to bring you along. Whenever I am going back to KL or somewhere else for a period of time, you would stay by the door for days, crying for me to come back. Your shadow are everywhere to me.

Now, whenever it rains, I would want to run to your grave, dig you out and shelter you. I just want to keep you by my side and hug you everyday. I can't help not to think about you, wondering are you soaking wet under the rain in the ground, or even if you're still there. I want and yearn to see you every night in my dreams and yet dreams are not controlled by me. The moment you are not around, I cry to sleep and I cry to wake up.

I couldn't forgive myself when I think about you being bitten, seriously injured by the roadside, crying out for us, crying out for help and yet no one was there. I couldn't forgive myself for not being there when you need me the most. I couldn't forgive myself due to my own selfishness and stubbornness, you died in pain. I couldn't forgive myself for not coming back to you earlier when I can. I couldn't forgive myself that I didn't insist Mommy and Daddy to bring you over to KL for treatment.  If only...and if only...I am so sorry, baby.

Whenever I am with you, you are happy. My heart ache to the core that I can hardly breathe, yet thinking about you every single day. I truly wish that I could go with you, if you could ask God to take me along. You might be only a part of my life, but to you, I am your everything, the only person in your whole life. Life without you, I am struggling to live on and I realize you are not just a part of my life, but my world. I am losing half of my world. If only I am given a wish, I will never leave you alone ever again.

26 MAY 2009 - 24 MAY 2014

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤Dear Boy❤

Dear Boy,

You came to me last night, I couldn't think of anything else but to play and accompany you while I still can. I know you will be leaving sooner or later. Words are unclear to me. I tried to tell you all I can. I am sorry, that I wasn't there when you need me the most. I can't remembered if I apologized to you. You could have still be here, if it wasn't for my stubbornness, my bad temper, my childishness, my selfishness. All I can think it's only for myself. If only I spare some thoughts for others as well, especially those who love me dearly. If only I was there, you will only follow me, and I knew, in your eyes, there's only me. I am sorry that you died in pain because of me.  I am really sorry that you have to bear the pain because of my mistakes.  I will never forgive myself till my very last breath.I will never want another till the day I meet you again.

Dear Boy,

Now that you are free to go wherever you want. Be happy, eat all you want and I will always long to meet you, sooner or later. I don't know where are you now. I just hope, HeavenlyPapa will bring you to Grandmama and meet Grandpapa as well. I believe they will feed you well, just like when Grandmama is still around, how she loves to feed you and play around with you. You taught me, and I truly learnt my lesson this time. I promise you, there will be nothing from me is for me, ever again. I miss talking to you, I miss having you lying around me and just stick to me all day long. I never want Mommy and Daddy to clear up your stuff, but...they just have to. You have always been a smiling love that cheers me up all the time. It kills me inside out, that you are no longer by my side.
All that I could wish as for now, come back to me. Don't just come back, but appear to me and I will follow you, to be with you forever. Please...never ever forget me.

Love,
~Alyssa Cross~
~xoxo~

❤24th MAY 2014 : 1711❤

Life isn't fragile. Life is cruel.

I was anticipating to return home, knowing you will be there waiting for me. Overwhelmed with all my regrets, it is because of my stubbornness, bad temper, that you will never be there anymore. I called you, there was no answer. I tried to wake you up again and again, you just wouldn't want to wake up at all. I tried to held your tiny body on my hand, but you didn't even want to look at me at all. I am finally back home, why didn't you come running towards me happily asking for a hug? 

I remember how you follow me around all day long without getting bored of me. I remember how you used to call out whenever the phone rings. I remember how you always wanted to sleep with me whenever night falls. I remember how you comfort me whenever I am down at my lowest point whereby no one cares about me all. I remember how you make me happy all day without fail. I remember and remember... I'm worried and afraid, what if, one day I can never recall back my life with you anymore.

I sent you off with my bare hand, wondering will you ever feel lonely, scare and cold without me sleeping side by side. One second I thought that I'm glad I brought you over to new home once, perhaps you will be familiar at your new place right now, at least, hopefully. I couldn't bare to leave the garden at all, leaving you alone isn't a choice for me anymore. I blame no one but myself. If only I have returned earlier, I can still hug you to bed and none of this incident will happen. It's all my fault that you died in pain. I can still hear you, crying out "Where are you, when I needed you the most?"

Days will never be the same without you. I will never have anyone else, anymore. 

Couldn't ask for more, but be happy with Grandmama in heaven now. Finally, you get to meet Grandpapa. I know they will take good care of you, till the day we meet again. I will keep you by my side forever and never let you go, just as how you used to want me to do so.

I love you, more than anything else in life.

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤Am I Happy?❤

It is not because I love you just a little bit, it is because I love you too much, that is why I am trying so hard to be happy. Love and hate are equal. When you just love a little, you would just hate a little. Hence, vice versa. A little of love and a little of hatred, it is just so easy to get along. You move on and forget about everything.

What about when you love too much? You hate even more. You try even harder to be happy without em' and yet you know and you know it, you can never be happy without em'.

You act like you don't care at all. You are fine without em' because you think you are happy. 

When night hits, you are all alone. Think and think, and you keep on thinking. What is the matter with you? Why are you trying so hard to be happy, when you can simply be happy just by staying side by side with em'. 

Holding on grudges, being too afraid to trust again and the world just make you into a complicated person. You have seen too much, expect too much and want too much. One day, when you are left with nothing, that is when you will realized, you should have just be the simple innocent girl that you used to be.

Just because I love you too much.

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤21st March 2014 : 2321❤

The day that finally speaks out my regrets. People come and go. Again and again, I asked myself, what is life all about? Seeking for the answer like forever and yet no one can explain. Stubborn enough not to accept all that have been given, a piece of advice. When will be the day that you finally wake up? 

Who would ever understand the bond that built within, once a stranger, came into your life, and the rest of the days will never be the same  because of the footprints of life that you left- family-liked uncle.

Things that I have been wanting to do, no word can describe that how I wish I have acted earlier and not dragging it all along. Even if I could or wanted to so badly right now, it is all too late because regrets and sorry meant nothing at all to the dead.

I carry a smile on my face day by day, who would ever understand how much my heart cry out and bleed, and yet I expect no one.

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤总有一天❤

8 more days, Christmas is here once again. Attended church's 2013 Christmas Production. Crews have been working real hard, but sad to tell that, it doesn't get to me. I don't really understand what is the message all about, but still it's a good show.

15 days down the road, it will be another brand new year. Every new year seems to be the same to me. All I do is, convincing myself it will be a better year ahead, or another self-comforting, it has been a good year back then. Seriously, when will life really gets better for me?

One once said or maybe a few, or even more than that, no point looking or thinking or whatsoever back at the past, you can never turn back the time and all those words that we used to hear from people. Yes, easy said, and don't you know that it's really really hard, i mean EXTREMELY hard to actually get over the past?

 Maybe people should just stop telling me these and LEAVE ME ALONE! It would be better for me.

Every year, it's just the same. For.. my sake (wanted to say something else but I think it's pretty rude, didn't want to use name for granted), when will this come to an end?

A decision made because of your own selfishness 8 year back then, changed my life, lifeless forever, and yet acted like nothing happened. I'm so damn tired! Restless! Hopeless! and bla bla bla! All self-sympathize words! IKR! Ignore me.

走了那么远还是找不到公平。笨蛋，一切本来就不公平！

Let's just put on a mask and continue to "Be Happy".

I AM STRIVING REALLY REALLY EXTREMELY HARD TO GET OVER IT AND LIVE ON!

总有一天，一定会有阳光和彩虹的。

Continue dreaming.

Love,

Alyssa Cross

~xoxo~

❤First of 2013❤

My very first post for year 2013.

I don't mean to abandon this blog, but basically it's all for me to store up everything I've been through every single day. Back in review I guess I have more of sorrows than happiness in life up to today. Put on a mask and life goes on somehow. Perhaps this has always been where I throw out most of my woes, let only happiness remain in my heart. 1st of October, why does everything has to happen on this day.

*****Smile, and never let it fades away*****

Love,

Alyssa Cross

~xoxo~

❤It's Just Me❤

Once again, I'm back to my very own cave. 'How are you?', is the most common question that people would ask everyday. And I will answer 'I'm good!'. I wish to say that 'I'm good' for real one day. But I doubt that the day come.

Browsing through all the years on what I've blogged on, basically just to remind myself on what I have been through all these years, people I have met, things that I have done and so on. There is a season when I was at the peak and a season when I was at the core of the earth. Deep down in every saying, there is a lie.

I tried to make things right again, but I was turned down. Regrets over my immaturity, I should have just follow my heart. I can blamed no one but myself. I ought to erased you from my memory but I just can't stop having a peek of your life. Yes I can stop myself from looking and the only way is to delete. Once deleted it shall never return. I feel heavy-hearted and didn't want to do so. Why? It has been 3 years until now, memories still run through my mind on and off. Yet I know life has been good to you without me. Admitted now that I realized how much you treasured me but it's all useless now because apology wasn't accepted. Perhaps  I have hurt you so much that words can't describe. Why do I still look forward to be accepted?

I used to be strong in the past. Determination! Optimistic! Where have you all been? I lost track with God, my dream and desire. Even had everyone that He placed in my life cast off. Life's screwed because I left. Pieces scattered around. There is a possibility to put it back together again, but it will never be the same. Why would I want it to be the same? I can't even understand what's within me. What I'm yearning for? Convincing myself to venture what's ahead of me and not what's behind. I did it but just for a certain period of time. And there I go again, back to my own cave. Why is it that on and  on I turn around and look back? If miracle does exist, the one and only thing I would ask for, Time!

Love,

Alyssa Cross
~xoxo~

❤A Joker❤

What is a joker? A person who jokes? Or perhaps it reminds you of The Joker in the poker cards? Maybe The Joker in the game 'Rummy'? A joker, something or someone that fits in for anything or anyone.

Translated into a more understanding way, it can be pair up with anything or anyone. 

What does it feels like, to be address as a Joker? In a situation that you can adapt, or perhaps suits anyone in your surrounding. Probably I'm just a Joker to you. Well, as it may be, you should just stop pretending that I am your one and only precious. I wasn't born to be your jokes, but my parents' darling.

Love,

Alyssa Cross

~xoxo~

❤Rubbish❤

There are several questions that I just don't get it. Was it wrong to hope or want your partner to be able to have a better life? I understand if you're working hard enough to try to improve, but not for those who did not even try to do anything about it, and yet just sit around doing nothing wasting time, and claimed that I should be satisfied with my life now. How on earth can I be satisfied seeing you doing nothing, not even having a proper income. There's so much that you could do about your life. For an intelligent person like you, you could have a better life, but yet telling me this is enough for you have not tried anything to improve but just sitting around doing nothing, sleep all day? 

Yes, I admit that I want a better life. Who wouldn't want it? Everyone wants a better life, and that's for sure. A better life from the same person, and not from a different person. Yes, we do have expectation, but I expect more from the same person. Are you expecting more from a different person? If you were to have a better life, you would expect to have someone younger or prettier? Is that all what yer looking for all this while? Physical satisfaction? You once seek for a younger and prettier one. And that's the excuse you have for not working harder, or even try to gain a better life? Just because you have nothing, therefore you can love me, and from the day you have something, you can no longer love me, just because of physical satisfaction? It's true that when you have something, there'll will be millions of flies surrounding you, or perhaps someone even better that me? So what? At the end of the day, it only comes to one conclusion, that is your heart. If you truly love me, even someone better appears, you wouldn't even had an eye on her. So, you tell me that you would want someone better than me when you have something? Is that all the reason you can give me? Or maybe you just never truly love me, hoping to get someone better from time to time? O yes, do bear in mind, I'm a QUICK LEARNER, and I LEARN FAST!
You concluded that I am selfish. I wouldn't deny that because I learnt to be selfish and to love myself more from what you have done to me. From others point of view, they may mocked at me, gossip at me that I've once left you, being ungrateful. People may sympathized you, said that you're just too good for me, or even stupid enough to forgive me and have me back. I do not care what they would think or rumors about me, because they are just an idiotic jackass that doesn't know what's behind the curtain, a true story that was buried. My lesson, stop bragging about how much you love me because I will never ever trust you. If that's what you said, that's what you will get! I do not speak out of anger, but out of the voice of a young girl with broken heart, not just into two, but crushed into ashes.

Love,

Alyssa Cross

~xoxo~

❤Effortless❤

One moment I thought it is an important day of my life, and yes, trying hard to make it well. Brain-storming all over the weeks, working hard enough to collect all the budget that I needed.

I'm still in the mood for the very special day this morning. And yes I did, trying to make it quick, I skipped my meals and went looking for the best gift I could get. Strolling along the shopping malls, asking people for opinions, even tried to get some hint what should I actually get. Frankly speaking, I've got no idea at all. Over the years, I've never missed it during the time of together-ness. There would at least be a proper cake and a present. Thinking that it would be a great night with surprises, as well as tomorrow. 

But that very moment paused, I was told that there wasn't any celebration for as long as you had lived. I stunted for a while, the feeling of  all I've been doing was 'nothing at all' triggered my tear ducts immediately.

All the effort actually meant nothing at all. Everything drained off like water, or even worst than that, something that doesn't has a value at all, as if it doesn't worth not even a little bit of good memories. It was also the reason that there's a rush back then. Perhaps I'm being to naive, thinking that all you ever wanted was just a simple day off with love ones. From that very moment, the day of May the 31st, will just be a normal day to me. 

Love,

Alyssa Cross

~xoxo~