❤July Wish❤

The day that I fear finally arrived. A perfect gift that I received to 2014's birthday. I told myself if I ever found a reason to give up, to forget, to move on, to be happy without you, to stop crying because of you, to stop loving you, to... and to... and to...and... the list will never end. I finally found that reason. You said you are a philosopher, whatever quoted will definitely be better. You asked if I am jealous? Is that what makes you happy if I am jealous? For some reason, I will not admit, and I will try not to be. Is this a revenge that you are planning for? Well, it hits me. 

One once told me, as long as you are happy, it doesn't matter who you are with. I tried to make myself believe this, and when I finally experienced it, I tell you the truth, this is bullshit. You can never be happy seeing the one you love with someone else. Cleared my mind from this quote.

I don't believe in fairy tales nor true love. I always convince myself there's no one on earth will truly love you no matter what. I'm still living by it and will live by it. At times, I would ask myself, perhaps there's true love but I am just denying it until the day that you've reached the limit, that is why, true love from you never exist anymore. Convincing or should I say, comforting myself that it also proved that true love never exists. What is true love?

You once walk alone in tears, until the day that you finally give up and turn away from me. And right now onward, it will be the start that I will walk alone in tears, until the day that I finally give up and leave by myself. You said it's 300 times more depressed that how I feel right now, all I can say, I tried hard to get you back, for me it's real hard, way beyond what I will do, perhaps you just don't see it that way. Everyone on this earth is fighting a battle that you will never know anything about it. No one can judge a single thing about someone else including myself.

You told me to be a better person, try hard to live better and keep believing that someday, you and I will be happy together again if fate allows, that's what you did when I first, twice left. I tried, but I'm not as tough as you or others would see me to be. I can't. I'm just a spoil dependent child. If only fate is true.

The one that will never stay, just as the pink rose.

All I could wish for, ask for, beg for this year's birthday, a memory lost.

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤Hard Lesson❤

The third day without you, I roamed around the house aimlessly. As a Christian, I don't really know or understand how life after death really is. Christian believes that soul goes to a part of heaven after every death, that's the very basic thing that I know. By right, you are already in heaven. However, according to Chinese religion, souls tend to roam around the world, especially home before they actually realized that they are dead not until the 7th day, which is the day souls will be back to their family members for the one last time before they move on to reincarnation. I don't know if I should think it this way, is your soul still following me around at home not knowing that you are dead? Will you come back and leave me your last message when the 7th arrive?

I can't help it but to keep on thinking about you. This home is filled with your shadow and all the memories I had with you. Things that I wanted to do when we move into our new home, I'll have a corner where you can have your own space in my room, so that we can sleep together when night falls. We could play in the garden, take you for a walk around our new place which is much more spacious that the home we are living now. All this will never come to past.
Whenever I think about how innocent you died, there's nothing I can do but to blame myself for everything. I'm so sad to the extend that, I don't know what to do everyday, and just stone around sighing. I can't even concentrate on my final, yet wondering will I ever graduate? Now that you are no longer around, I guess I can finally leave here in peace.


One once told me, life and death is control by God. It's true that I'm furious at God why did He let this thing happened to you. Why didn't He save you when you are in pain? I wanted to blame God so much, so badly, but I couldn't. All things happened for a reason and He has His purpose. And I believed that He did this to you, just because of me. At the end of the day, everything is still my own fault, and I have no right to blame anyone in my life.

Everything that I'm going through, everything that's happening to me, it's all my own fault. I will not want the same incident to happen again. You are gone because of me and I can never forgive myself. I am truly sorry that you suffered your last breath because of me. Your incident has taught me hard, real hard. I have learnt my most cruel lesson ever in my entire life. I promise you, I will learn to stop living in the past, ever again. I just wish that... God didn't choose this way to teach me my life's lesson. *heart-break*

Love,
~Alyssa Cross~
~xoxo~

❤26 MAY 2009❤

2006 onward, my days haven't been good at all. 26 MAY 2009, I found my joy and laughter through you. This is the day that you came to this world, and was sent to my family. My years gradually improved with the days spent with you. Being Mommy's little boy, I didn't expect that you would love me more than anything and anyone else. 

Every day when I return home, you would welcome me with excitement. When I am home, you would look after me, follow me every where, never leave my side, even though it's just a small home. When it's time for meal, you would come to me and we dine together. And when night falls, unlike the normal days staying in your own bed when I am not around, instead you would follow me to bed. Whenever I am heading out, you would want to follow, and yet sometimes I would insist not to bring you along. Whenever I am going back to KL or somewhere else for a period of time, you would stay by the door for days, crying for me to come back. Your shadow are everywhere to me.

Now, whenever it rains, I would want to run to your grave, dig you out and shelter you. I just want to keep you by my side and hug you everyday. I can't help not to think about you, wondering are you soaking wet under the rain in the ground, or even if you're still there. I want and yearn to see you every night in my dreams and yet dreams are not controlled by me. The moment you are not around, I cry to sleep and I cry to wake up.

I couldn't forgive myself when I think about you being bitten, seriously injured by the roadside, crying out for us, crying out for help and yet no one was there. I couldn't forgive myself for not being there when you need me the most. I couldn't forgive myself due to my own selfishness and stubbornness, you died in pain. I couldn't forgive myself for not coming back to you earlier when I can. I couldn't forgive myself that I didn't insist Mommy and Daddy to bring you over to KL for treatment.  If only...and if only...I am so sorry, baby.

Whenever I am with you, you are happy. My heart ache to the core that I can hardly breathe, yet thinking about you every single day. I truly wish that I could go with you, if you could ask God to take me along. You might be only a part of my life, but to you, I am your everything, the only person in your whole life. Life without you, I am struggling to live on and I realize you are not just a part of my life, but my world. I am losing half of my world. If only I am given a wish, I will never leave you alone ever again.

26 MAY 2009 - 24 MAY 2014

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤Dear Boy❤

Dear Boy,

You came to me last night, I couldn't think of anything else but to play and accompany you while I still can. I know you will be leaving sooner or later. Words are unclear to me. I tried to tell you all I can. I am sorry, that I wasn't there when you need me the most. I can't remembered if I apologized to you. You could have still be here, if it wasn't for my stubbornness, my bad temper, my childishness, my selfishness. All I can think it's only for myself. If only I spare some thoughts for others as well, especially those who love me dearly. If only I was there, you will only follow me, and I knew, in your eyes, there's only me. I am sorry that you died in pain because of me.  I am really sorry that you have to bear the pain because of my mistakes.  I will never forgive myself till my very last breath.I will never want another till the day I meet you again.

Dear Boy,

Now that you are free to go wherever you want. Be happy, eat all you want and I will always long to meet you, sooner or later. I don't know where are you now. I just hope, HeavenlyPapa will bring you to Grandmama and meet Grandpapa as well. I believe they will feed you well, just like when Grandmama is still around, how she loves to feed you and play around with you. You taught me, and I truly learnt my lesson this time. I promise you, there will be nothing from me is for me, ever again. I miss talking to you, I miss having you lying around me and just stick to me all day long. I never want Mommy and Daddy to clear up your stuff, but...they just have to. You have always been a smiling love that cheers me up all the time. It kills me inside out, that you are no longer by my side.
All that I could wish as for now, come back to me. Don't just come back, but appear to me and I will follow you, to be with you forever. Please...never ever forget me.

Love,
~Alyssa Cross~
~xoxo~

❤24th MAY 2014 : 1711❤

Life isn't fragile. Life is cruel.

I was anticipating to return home, knowing you will be there waiting for me. Overwhelmed with all my regrets, it is because of my stubbornness, bad temper, that you will never be there anymore. I called you, there was no answer. I tried to wake you up again and again, you just wouldn't want to wake up at all. I tried to held your tiny body on my hand, but you didn't even want to look at me at all. I am finally back home, why didn't you come running towards me happily asking for a hug? 

I remember how you follow me around all day long without getting bored of me. I remember how you used to call out whenever the phone rings. I remember how you always wanted to sleep with me whenever night falls. I remember how you comfort me whenever I am down at my lowest point whereby no one cares about me all. I remember how you make me happy all day without fail. I remember and remember... I'm worried and afraid, what if, one day I can never recall back my life with you anymore.

I sent you off with my bare hand, wondering will you ever feel lonely, scare and cold without me sleeping side by side. One second I thought that I'm glad I brought you over to new home once, perhaps you will be familiar at your new place right now, at least, hopefully. I couldn't bare to leave the garden at all, leaving you alone isn't a choice for me anymore. I blame no one but myself. If only I have returned earlier, I can still hug you to bed and none of this incident will happen. It's all my fault that you died in pain. I can still hear you, crying out "Where are you, when I needed you the most?"

Days will never be the same without you. I will never have anyone else, anymore. 

Couldn't ask for more, but be happy with Grandmama in heaven now. Finally, you get to meet Grandpapa. I know they will take good care of you, till the day we meet again. I will keep you by my side forever and never let you go, just as how you used to want me to do so.

I love you, more than anything else in life.

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤Am I Happy?❤

It is not because I love you just a little bit, it is because I love you too much, that is why I am trying so hard to be happy. Love and hate are equal. When you just love a little, you would just hate a little. Hence, vice versa. A little of love and a little of hatred, it is just so easy to get along. You move on and forget about everything.

What about when you love too much? You hate even more. You try even harder to be happy without em' and yet you know and you know it, you can never be happy without em'.

You act like you don't care at all. You are fine without em' because you think you are happy. 

When night hits, you are all alone. Think and think, and you keep on thinking. What is the matter with you? Why are you trying so hard to be happy, when you can simply be happy just by staying side by side with em'. 

Holding on grudges, being too afraid to trust again and the world just make you into a complicated person. You have seen too much, expect too much and want too much. One day, when you are left with nothing, that is when you will realized, you should have just be the simple innocent girl that you used to be.

Just because I love you too much.

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤21st March 2014 : 2321❤

The day that finally speaks out my regrets. People come and go. Again and again, I asked myself, what is life all about? Seeking for the answer like forever and yet no one can explain. Stubborn enough not to accept all that have been given, a piece of advice. When will be the day that you finally wake up? 

Who would ever understand the bond that built within, once a stranger, came into your life, and the rest of the days will never be the same  because of the footprints of life that you left- family-liked uncle.

Things that I have been wanting to do, no word can describe that how I wish I have acted earlier and not dragging it all along. Even if I could or wanted to so badly right now, it is all too late because regrets and sorry meant nothing at all to the dead.

I carry a smile on my face day by day, who would ever understand how much my heart cry out and bleed, and yet I expect no one.

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤总有一天❤

8 more days, Christmas is here once again. Attended church's 2013 Christmas Production. Crews have been working real hard, but sad to tell that, it doesn't get to me. I don't really understand what is the message all about, but still it's a good show.

15 days down the road, it will be another brand new year. Every new year seems to be the same to me. All I do is, convincing myself it will be a better year ahead, or another self-comforting, it has been a good year back then. Seriously, when will life really gets better for me?

One once said or maybe a few, or even more than that, no point looking or thinking or whatsoever back at the past, you can never turn back the time and all those words that we used to hear from people. Yes, easy said, and don't you know that it's really really hard, i mean EXTREMELY hard to actually get over the past?

 Maybe people should just stop telling me these and LEAVE ME ALONE! It would be better for me.

Every year, it's just the same. For.. my sake (wanted to say something else but I think it's pretty rude, didn't want to use name for granted), when will this come to an end?

A decision made because of your own selfishness 8 year back then, changed my life, lifeless forever, and yet acted like nothing happened. I'm so damn tired! Restless! Hopeless! and bla bla bla! All self-sympathize words! IKR! Ignore me.

走了那么远还是找不到公平。笨蛋，一切本来就不公平！

Let's just put on a mask and continue to "Be Happy".

I AM STRIVING REALLY REALLY EXTREMELY HARD TO GET OVER IT AND LIVE ON!

总有一天，一定会有阳光和彩虹的。

Continue dreaming.

Love,

Alyssa Cross

~xoxo~

❤First of 2013❤

My very first post for year 2013.

I don't mean to abandon this blog, but basically it's all for me to store up everything I've been through every single day. Back in review I guess I have more of sorrows than happiness in life up to today. Put on a mask and life goes on somehow. Perhaps this has always been where I throw out most of my woes, let only happiness remain in my heart. 1st of October, why does everything has to happen on this day.

*****Smile, and never let it fades away*****

Love,

Alyssa Cross

~xoxo~

❤It's Just Me❤

Once again, I'm back to my very own cave. 'How are you?', is the most common question that people would ask everyday. And I will answer 'I'm good!'. I wish to say that 'I'm good' for real one day. But I doubt that the day come.

Browsing through all the years on what I've blogged on, basically just to remind myself on what I have been through all these years, people I have met, things that I have done and so on. There is a season when I was at the peak and a season when I was at the core of the earth. Deep down in every saying, there is a lie.

I tried to make things right again, but I was turned down. Regrets over my immaturity, I should have just follow my heart. I can blamed no one but myself. I ought to erased you from my memory but I just can't stop having a peek of your life. Yes I can stop myself from looking and the only way is to delete. Once deleted it shall never return. I feel heavy-hearted and didn't want to do so. Why? It has been 3 years until now, memories still run through my mind on and off. Yet I know life has been good to you without me. Admitted now that I realized how much you treasured me but it's all useless now because apology wasn't accepted. Perhaps  I have hurt you so much that words can't describe. Why do I still look forward to be accepted?

I used to be strong in the past. Determination! Optimistic! Where have you all been? I lost track with God, my dream and desire. Even had everyone that He placed in my life cast off. Life's screwed because I left. Pieces scattered around. There is a possibility to put it back together again, but it will never be the same. Why would I want it to be the same? I can't even understand what's within me. What I'm yearning for? Convincing myself to venture what's ahead of me and not what's behind. I did it but just for a certain period of time. And there I go again, back to my own cave. Why is it that on and  on I turn around and look back? If miracle does exist, the one and only thing I would ask for, Time!

Love,

Alyssa Cross
~xoxo~

❤Effortless❤

One moment I thought it is an important day of my life, and yes, trying hard to make it well. Brain-storming all over the weeks, working hard enough to collect all the budget that I needed.

I'm still in the mood for the very special day this morning. And yes I did, trying to make it quick, I skipped my meals and went looking for the best gift I could get. Strolling along the shopping malls, asking people for opinions, even tried to get some hint what should I actually get. Frankly speaking, I've got no idea at all. Over the years, I've never missed it during the time of together-ness. There would at least be a proper cake and a present. Thinking that it would be a great night with surprises, as well as tomorrow. 

But that very moment paused, I was told that there wasn't any celebration for as long as you had lived. I stunted for a while, the feeling of  all I've been doing was 'nothing at all' triggered my tear ducts immediately.

All the effort actually meant nothing at all. Everything drained off like water, or even worst than that, something that doesn't has a value at all, as if it doesn't worth not even a little bit of good memories. It was also the reason that there's a rush back then. Perhaps I'm being to naive, thinking that all you ever wanted was just a simple day off with love ones. From that very moment, the day of May the 31st, will just be a normal day to me. 

Love,

Alyssa Cross

~xoxo~

❤New Chapter of 龍宝宝❤

A beginning is only the start of a journey to another beginning, a quote that gives me a new life, a new hope, and a new beginning. As the 龍宝宝 of the year, I vowed to work harder to live better. Throughout Year 2011, I had a insignificant experience of life, which taught me to grow up, or should I say it makes me a better person. I would love to erase it from my memory, unless I have lost my memory, these seems to be impossible. Rather than crying over a split milk, it's a valuable lesson that I have learn. 

In Year 2011, it wasn't a good year to me. I've lost my beloved ones, screwed myself up in my education, life seems to be unorganized. Back then, I have no visions and dreams. Not knowing what is my goal and feeling lost as if guided by a blind. I spent my life wasting all my time and effort that I've been working on all these years. I can't tell that I've never regret what I've done because truly it's the worst decision I've ever made in my life. Time flies and it doesn't wait, life still goes on. I can't spend my entire life grieving over the past. All these has taught me to stand up strong and look forward to live in the present and future. One once told me, make peace with the past so that it doesn't spoil my future.

Being ill-treat, I've learn to appreciate ever little happiness that bless my life. Some might not think so, but money definitely can't buy happiness. However, living in a world of materialistic, without money you are nothing for sure.    Somehow, it's all depends on own personal thoughts and perspective. As for me, being independent would be the best option. Still, thanks to Heavenly Papa, I'm blessed with unconditional love by family, friends and the true one. These are the little things that makes me strong enough to stand up again, making all things new. Special thanks to all my beloved friends who tried real hard to cheer and comfort me throughout my hardest time, and not leaving me alone.

Some of the memorable experiences I have is that I was given a chance to try out some photo-shooting. Thanks to my photographer friends. And of course, I get to know some new friends during my freelance jobs, which I eventually enjoyed it very much. Guess doing freelance job has been a part of me to earn some extra pocket money.

*****Having fun being cute*****

*****Wishing on Christmas*****

*****Babes met during PC Fair*****

What that touched my heart is that my dear ex Nottingham-mates that never forget about me. We had a little hang out at The Gardens. Enjoyed every little bits singing and shopping with all of the lovely ones. I feel fortunate enough to be bless by such a wonderful friends. As the saying goes, a real friend is one who walks in while the rest of the world walks out.

*****Love my girls*****

Back then, I was invited by my dear friend, Hanli to join an event called 'Passion for Fashion'. Well, it was my first experience attending event that was held in a club called Rootz. The fashion walk was amazing but... I don't think that anyone would want to wear those outfit on the road. 

*****It's all about drinking and dancing*****

On Christmas, we had a little Christmas gathering dinner among photographer and freelance model at Souled-Out, Mount Kiara. The food is okay but the atmosphere is pretty amazing and comfortable. We had gift exchanged and guess what I've got...hair mask to strengthen and gives shine to my hair.

*****She's the adorable reindeer*****

On the other hand, how can I missed out church on Christmas. Along these years, Christmas production is always based on the stories in the Bible. One of the most unpredictable Christmas production, Chromeheart, based on the world fantasy filled with magic and sorcery. On Christmas eve, I attended the Candle Light service and it's all about the miracle of healing. Truly, God is a mighty God. During the service, people experienced the power of healing. One of the most significant scene is that a half-blind can finally see.

*****Family in Christ*****

Christmas is all about giving and blessing. What count the most is the presence of God and the family members. Being around at church has always been my favorite, a second home while I'm, away from my family. This is where I found peace and love. And look, one of my Christmas present, 365, with a little message written by my beloved Pastor! This is going to build up the faith and draw me closer to Heavenly Papa. I'm loved.

*****Favorite of  the Year*****

Speaking of the word, it's Chinese New Year. For most, this year is a little bit different for me. Just a small reunion dinner with my family members, six of us, included MyLittleCottonBall-QianQian, makes me realized the importance of family and treasure all of them more. I ensured all of my time is filled with agenda and plans so that I would remain busy all day long but my intention to bake some cookies and cakes failed. Perhaps next time. Ain't not a good or even professional pâtissier but practice makes perfect. Brushing up my skills meanwhile I have the time. There's a lot of things that I wanted to do this year. Dance class, skating, language,  baking, business, and jobs perhaps?

*****My Little Cotton Ball*****

It has been a very tough year to me. All because of my senseless mind, I have been skipping church and cell group, quit serving in choir, stop praying and worshiping, by means no quiet time at all, and these sum up to total neglecting God. There is no other reasons why that my life is in such a mess. Lucky me, thanks to my ever supporting family in Christ especially my beloved leaders and Pastor, who never give up on my and yet continue to encourage and love me. Most importantly, thanks to Heavenly Papa for always being there to lift me up once again. Hence, my determination this year is to cultivate the habit of praying, worshiping and Bible meditation to stir up my spiritual life. Believing that by doing my own part and leaving the rest to Heavenly Papa with faith, everything will be alright.

These are a part of my new year resolution. Next, studies. Still cracking my brain for a suitable course. However, I've already got myself a secure placement. Let's just see how it goes. Pray that I've made the right choice.O gosh. My English seems to be real sucks right now. I've another IELTS to sit for. 


I have the feeling that this is gonna be a good year, a good start for a beginning of a new journey. I will absolutely jot down each and every bits of the moment. Stay tune and continue to walk with me. I believe this is going to be a fascinating year for me.

*****Future lies ahead*****

Love,

Alyssa Cross

~xoxo~