❤July Wish❤

The day that I fear finally arrived. A perfect gift that I received to 2014's birthday. I told myself if I ever found a reason to give up, to forget, to move on, to be happy without you, to stop crying because of you, to stop loving you, to... and to... and to...and... the list will never end. I finally found that reason. You said you are a philosopher, whatever quoted will definitely be better. You asked if I am jealous? Is that what makes you happy if I am jealous? For some reason, I will not admit, and I will try not to be. Is this a revenge that you are planning for? Well, it hits me. 

One once told me, as long as you are happy, it doesn't matter who you are with. I tried to make myself believe this, and when I finally experienced it, I tell you the truth, this is bullshit. You can never be happy seeing the one you love with someone else. Cleared my mind from this quote.

I don't believe in fairy tales nor true love. I always convince myself there's no one on earth will truly love you no matter what. I'm still living by it and will live by it. At times, I would ask myself, perhaps there's true love but I am just denying it until the day that you've reached the limit, that is why, true love from you never exist anymore. Convincing or should I say, comforting myself that it also proved that true love never exists. What is true love?

You once walk alone in tears, until the day that you finally give up and turn away from me. And right now onward, it will be the start that I will walk alone in tears, until the day that I finally give up and leave by myself. You said it's 300 times more depressed that how I feel right now, all I can say, I tried hard to get you back, for me it's real hard, way beyond what I will do, perhaps you just don't see it that way. Everyone on this earth is fighting a battle that you will never know anything about it. No one can judge a single thing about someone else including myself.

You told me to be a better person, try hard to live better and keep believing that someday, you and I will be happy together again if fate allows, that's what you did when I first, twice left. I tried, but I'm not as tough as you or others would see me to be. I can't. I'm just a spoil dependent child. If only fate is true.

The one that will never stay, just as the pink rose.

All I could wish for, ask for, beg for this year's birthday, a memory lost.

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤Am I Happy?❤

It is not because I love you just a little bit, it is because I love you too much, that is why I am trying so hard to be happy. Love and hate are equal. When you just love a little, you would just hate a little. Hence, vice versa. A little of love and a little of hatred, it is just so easy to get along. You move on and forget about everything.

What about when you love too much? You hate even more. You try even harder to be happy without em' and yet you know and you know it, you can never be happy without em'.

You act like you don't care at all. You are fine without em' because you think you are happy. 

When night hits, you are all alone. Think and think, and you keep on thinking. What is the matter with you? Why are you trying so hard to be happy, when you can simply be happy just by staying side by side with em'. 

Holding on grudges, being too afraid to trust again and the world just make you into a complicated person. You have seen too much, expect too much and want too much. One day, when you are left with nothing, that is when you will realized, you should have just be the simple innocent girl that you used to be.

Just because I love you too much.

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤总有一天❤

8 more days, Christmas is here once again. Attended church's 2013 Christmas Production. Crews have been working real hard, but sad to tell that, it doesn't get to me. I don't really understand what is the message all about, but still it's a good show.

15 days down the road, it will be another brand new year. Every new year seems to be the same to me. All I do is, convincing myself it will be a better year ahead, or another self-comforting, it has been a good year back then. Seriously, when will life really gets better for me?

One once said or maybe a few, or even more than that, no point looking or thinking or whatsoever back at the past, you can never turn back the time and all those words that we used to hear from people. Yes, easy said, and don't you know that it's really really hard, i mean EXTREMELY hard to actually get over the past?

 Maybe people should just stop telling me these and LEAVE ME ALONE! It would be better for me.

Every year, it's just the same. For.. my sake (wanted to say something else but I think it's pretty rude, didn't want to use name for granted), when will this come to an end?

A decision made because of your own selfishness 8 year back then, changed my life, lifeless forever, and yet acted like nothing happened. I'm so damn tired! Restless! Hopeless! and bla bla bla! All self-sympathize words! IKR! Ignore me.

走了那么远还是找不到公平。笨蛋，一切本来就不公平！

Let's just put on a mask and continue to "Be Happy".

I AM STRIVING REALLY REALLY EXTREMELY HARD TO GET OVER IT AND LIVE ON!

总有一天，一定会有阳光和彩虹的。

Continue dreaming.

Love,

Alyssa Cross

~xoxo~

❤It's Just Me❤

Once again, I'm back to my very own cave. 'How are you?', is the most common question that people would ask everyday. And I will answer 'I'm good!'. I wish to say that 'I'm good' for real one day. But I doubt that the day come.

Browsing through all the years on what I've blogged on, basically just to remind myself on what I have been through all these years, people I have met, things that I have done and so on. There is a season when I was at the peak and a season when I was at the core of the earth. Deep down in every saying, there is a lie.

I tried to make things right again, but I was turned down. Regrets over my immaturity, I should have just follow my heart. I can blamed no one but myself. I ought to erased you from my memory but I just can't stop having a peek of your life. Yes I can stop myself from looking and the only way is to delete. Once deleted it shall never return. I feel heavy-hearted and didn't want to do so. Why? It has been 3 years until now, memories still run through my mind on and off. Yet I know life has been good to you without me. Admitted now that I realized how much you treasured me but it's all useless now because apology wasn't accepted. Perhaps  I have hurt you so much that words can't describe. Why do I still look forward to be accepted?

I used to be strong in the past. Determination! Optimistic! Where have you all been? I lost track with God, my dream and desire. Even had everyone that He placed in my life cast off. Life's screwed because I left. Pieces scattered around. There is a possibility to put it back together again, but it will never be the same. Why would I want it to be the same? I can't even understand what's within me. What I'm yearning for? Convincing myself to venture what's ahead of me and not what's behind. I did it but just for a certain period of time. And there I go again, back to my own cave. Why is it that on and  on I turn around and look back? If miracle does exist, the one and only thing I would ask for, Time!

Love,

Alyssa Cross
~xoxo~

❤Rubbish❤

There are several questions that I just don't get it. Was it wrong to hope or want your partner to be able to have a better life? I understand if you're working hard enough to try to improve, but not for those who did not even try to do anything about it, and yet just sit around doing nothing wasting time, and claimed that I should be satisfied with my life now. How on earth can I be satisfied seeing you doing nothing, not even having a proper income. There's so much that you could do about your life. For an intelligent person like you, you could have a better life, but yet telling me this is enough for you have not tried anything to improve but just sitting around doing nothing, sleep all day? 

Yes, I admit that I want a better life. Who wouldn't want it? Everyone wants a better life, and that's for sure. A better life from the same person, and not from a different person. Yes, we do have expectation, but I expect more from the same person. Are you expecting more from a different person? If you were to have a better life, you would expect to have someone younger or prettier? Is that all what yer looking for all this while? Physical satisfaction? You once seek for a younger and prettier one. And that's the excuse you have for not working harder, or even try to gain a better life? Just because you have nothing, therefore you can love me, and from the day you have something, you can no longer love me, just because of physical satisfaction? It's true that when you have something, there'll will be millions of flies surrounding you, or perhaps someone even better that me? So what? At the end of the day, it only comes to one conclusion, that is your heart. If you truly love me, even someone better appears, you wouldn't even had an eye on her. So, you tell me that you would want someone better than me when you have something? Is that all the reason you can give me? Or maybe you just never truly love me, hoping to get someone better from time to time? O yes, do bear in mind, I'm a QUICK LEARNER, and I LEARN FAST!
You concluded that I am selfish. I wouldn't deny that because I learnt to be selfish and to love myself more from what you have done to me. From others point of view, they may mocked at me, gossip at me that I've once left you, being ungrateful. People may sympathized you, said that you're just too good for me, or even stupid enough to forgive me and have me back. I do not care what they would think or rumors about me, because they are just an idiotic jackass that doesn't know what's behind the curtain, a true story that was buried. My lesson, stop bragging about how much you love me because I will never ever trust you. If that's what you said, that's what you will get! I do not speak out of anger, but out of the voice of a young girl with broken heart, not just into two, but crushed into ashes.

Love,

Alyssa Cross

~xoxo~

❤Effortless❤

One moment I thought it is an important day of my life, and yes, trying hard to make it well. Brain-storming all over the weeks, working hard enough to collect all the budget that I needed.

I'm still in the mood for the very special day this morning. And yes I did, trying to make it quick, I skipped my meals and went looking for the best gift I could get. Strolling along the shopping malls, asking people for opinions, even tried to get some hint what should I actually get. Frankly speaking, I've got no idea at all. Over the years, I've never missed it during the time of together-ness. There would at least be a proper cake and a present. Thinking that it would be a great night with surprises, as well as tomorrow. 

But that very moment paused, I was told that there wasn't any celebration for as long as you had lived. I stunted for a while, the feeling of  all I've been doing was 'nothing at all' triggered my tear ducts immediately.

All the effort actually meant nothing at all. Everything drained off like water, or even worst than that, something that doesn't has a value at all, as if it doesn't worth not even a little bit of good memories. It was also the reason that there's a rush back then. Perhaps I'm being to naive, thinking that all you ever wanted was just a simple day off with love ones. From that very moment, the day of May the 31st, will just be a normal day to me. 

Love,

Alyssa Cross

~xoxo~