❤Dear Boy❤

Dear Boy,

You came to me last night, I couldn't think of anything else but to play and accompany you while I still can. I know you will be leaving sooner or later. Words are unclear to me. I tried to tell you all I can. I am sorry, that I wasn't there when you need me the most. I can't remembered if I apologized to you. You could have still be here, if it wasn't for my stubbornness, my bad temper, my childishness, my selfishness. All I can think it's only for myself. If only I spare some thoughts for others as well, especially those who love me dearly. If only I was there, you will only follow me, and I knew, in your eyes, there's only me. I am sorry that you died in pain because of me.  I am really sorry that you have to bear the pain because of my mistakes.  I will never forgive myself till my very last breath.I will never want another till the day I meet you again.

Dear Boy,

Now that you are free to go wherever you want. Be happy, eat all you want and I will always long to meet you, sooner or later. I don't know where are you now. I just hope, HeavenlyPapa will bring you to Grandmama and meet Grandpapa as well. I believe they will feed you well, just like when Grandmama is still around, how she loves to feed you and play around with you. You taught me, and I truly learnt my lesson this time. I promise you, there will be nothing from me is for me, ever again. I miss talking to you, I miss having you lying around me and just stick to me all day long. I never want Mommy and Daddy to clear up your stuff, but...they just have to. You have always been a smiling love that cheers me up all the time. It kills me inside out, that you are no longer by my side.
All that I could wish as for now, come back to me. Don't just come back, but appear to me and I will follow you, to be with you forever. Please...never ever forget me.

Love,
~Alyssa Cross~
~xoxo~

❤24th MAY 2014 : 1711❤

Life isn't fragile. Life is cruel.

I was anticipating to return home, knowing you will be there waiting for me. Overwhelmed with all my regrets, it is because of my stubbornness, bad temper, that you will never be there anymore. I called you, there was no answer. I tried to wake you up again and again, you just wouldn't want to wake up at all. I tried to held your tiny body on my hand, but you didn't even want to look at me at all. I am finally back home, why didn't you come running towards me happily asking for a hug? 

I remember how you follow me around all day long without getting bored of me. I remember how you used to call out whenever the phone rings. I remember how you always wanted to sleep with me whenever night falls. I remember how you comfort me whenever I am down at my lowest point whereby no one cares about me all. I remember how you make me happy all day without fail. I remember and remember... I'm worried and afraid, what if, one day I can never recall back my life with you anymore.

I sent you off with my bare hand, wondering will you ever feel lonely, scare and cold without me sleeping side by side. One second I thought that I'm glad I brought you over to new home once, perhaps you will be familiar at your new place right now, at least, hopefully. I couldn't bare to leave the garden at all, leaving you alone isn't a choice for me anymore. I blame no one but myself. If only I have returned earlier, I can still hug you to bed and none of this incident will happen. It's all my fault that you died in pain. I can still hear you, crying out "Where are you, when I needed you the most?"

Days will never be the same without you. I will never have anyone else, anymore. 

Couldn't ask for more, but be happy with Grandmama in heaven now. Finally, you get to meet Grandpapa. I know they will take good care of you, till the day we meet again. I will keep you by my side forever and never let you go, just as how you used to want me to do so.

I love you, more than anything else in life.

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤Am I Happy?❤

It is not because I love you just a little bit, it is because I love you too much, that is why I am trying so hard to be happy. Love and hate are equal. When you just love a little, you would just hate a little. Hence, vice versa. A little of love and a little of hatred, it is just so easy to get along. You move on and forget about everything.

What about when you love too much? You hate even more. You try even harder to be happy without em' and yet you know and you know it, you can never be happy without em'.

You act like you don't care at all. You are fine without em' because you think you are happy. 

When night hits, you are all alone. Think and think, and you keep on thinking. What is the matter with you? Why are you trying so hard to be happy, when you can simply be happy just by staying side by side with em'. 

Holding on grudges, being too afraid to trust again and the world just make you into a complicated person. You have seen too much, expect too much and want too much. One day, when you are left with nothing, that is when you will realized, you should have just be the simple innocent girl that you used to be.

Just because I love you too much.

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤21st March 2014 : 2321❤

The day that finally speaks out my regrets. People come and go. Again and again, I asked myself, what is life all about? Seeking for the answer like forever and yet no one can explain. Stubborn enough not to accept all that have been given, a piece of advice. When will be the day that you finally wake up? 

Who would ever understand the bond that built within, once a stranger, came into your life, and the rest of the days will never be the same  because of the footprints of life that you left- family-liked uncle.

Things that I have been wanting to do, no word can describe that how I wish I have acted earlier and not dragging it all along. Even if I could or wanted to so badly right now, it is all too late because regrets and sorry meant nothing at all to the dead.

I carry a smile on my face day by day, who would ever understand how much my heart cry out and bleed, and yet I expect no one.

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤总有一天❤

8 more days, Christmas is here once again. Attended church's 2013 Christmas Production. Crews have been working real hard, but sad to tell that, it doesn't get to me. I don't really understand what is the message all about, but still it's a good show.

15 days down the road, it will be another brand new year. Every new year seems to be the same to me. All I do is, convincing myself it will be a better year ahead, or another self-comforting, it has been a good year back then. Seriously, when will life really gets better for me?

One once said or maybe a few, or even more than that, no point looking or thinking or whatsoever back at the past, you can never turn back the time and all those words that we used to hear from people. Yes, easy said, and don't you know that it's really really hard, i mean EXTREMELY hard to actually get over the past?

 Maybe people should just stop telling me these and LEAVE ME ALONE! It would be better for me.

Every year, it's just the same. For.. my sake (wanted to say something else but I think it's pretty rude, didn't want to use name for granted), when will this come to an end?

A decision made because of your own selfishness 8 year back then, changed my life, lifeless forever, and yet acted like nothing happened. I'm so damn tired! Restless! Hopeless! and bla bla bla! All self-sympathize words! IKR! Ignore me.

走了那么远还是找不到公平。笨蛋，一切本来就不公平！

Let's just put on a mask and continue to "Be Happy".

I AM STRIVING REALLY REALLY EXTREMELY HARD TO GET OVER IT AND LIVE ON!

总有一天，一定会有阳光和彩虹的。

Continue dreaming.

Love,

Alyssa Cross

~xoxo~

❤First of 2013❤

My very first post for year 2013.

I don't mean to abandon this blog, but basically it's all for me to store up everything I've been through every single day. Back in review I guess I have more of sorrows than happiness in life up to today. Put on a mask and life goes on somehow. Perhaps this has always been where I throw out most of my woes, let only happiness remain in my heart. 1st of October, why does everything has to happen on this day.

*****Smile, and never let it fades away*****

Love,

Alyssa Cross

~xoxo~

❤Sometimes❤

Sometimes I get so sad,

So sad that I completely shut down.

I stare blankly at the wall

And it doesn't matter what you say to me

Because in that moment I don't exist.

Love,

Alyssa Cross

~xoxo~