❤Hard Lesson❤

The third day without you, I roamed around the house aimlessly. As a Christian, I don't really know or understand how life after death really is. Christian believes that soul goes to a part of heaven after every death, that's the very basic thing that I know. By right, you are already in heaven. However, according to Chinese religion, souls tend to roam around the world, especially home before they actually realized that they are dead not until the 7th day, which is the day souls will be back to their family members for the one last time before they move on to reincarnation. I don't know if I should think it this way, is your soul still following me around at home not knowing that you are dead? Will you come back and leave me your last message when the 7th arrive?

I can't help it but to keep on thinking about you. This home is filled with your shadow and all the memories I had with you. Things that I wanted to do when we move into our new home, I'll have a corner where you can have your own space in my room, so that we can sleep together when night falls. We could play in the garden, take you for a walk around our new place which is much more spacious that the home we are living now. All this will never come to past.
Whenever I think about how innocent you died, there's nothing I can do but to blame myself for everything. I'm so sad to the extend that, I don't know what to do everyday, and just stone around sighing. I can't even concentrate on my final, yet wondering will I ever graduate? Now that you are no longer around, I guess I can finally leave here in peace.


One once told me, life and death is control by God. It's true that I'm furious at God why did He let this thing happened to you. Why didn't He save you when you are in pain? I wanted to blame God so much, so badly, but I couldn't. All things happened for a reason and He has His purpose. And I believed that He did this to you, just because of me. At the end of the day, everything is still my own fault, and I have no right to blame anyone in my life.

Everything that I'm going through, everything that's happening to me, it's all my own fault. I will not want the same incident to happen again. You are gone because of me and I can never forgive myself. I am truly sorry that you suffered your last breath because of me. Your incident has taught me hard, real hard. I have learnt my most cruel lesson ever in my entire life. I promise you, I will learn to stop living in the past, ever again. I just wish that... God didn't choose this way to teach me my life's lesson. *heart-break*

Love,
~Alyssa Cross~
~xoxo~

❤26 MAY 2009❤

2006 onward, my days haven't been good at all. 26 MAY 2009, I found my joy and laughter through you. This is the day that you came to this world, and was sent to my family. My years gradually improved with the days spent with you. Being Mommy's little boy, I didn't expect that you would love me more than anything and anyone else. 

Every day when I return home, you would welcome me with excitement. When I am home, you would look after me, follow me every where, never leave my side, even though it's just a small home. When it's time for meal, you would come to me and we dine together. And when night falls, unlike the normal days staying in your own bed when I am not around, instead you would follow me to bed. Whenever I am heading out, you would want to follow, and yet sometimes I would insist not to bring you along. Whenever I am going back to KL or somewhere else for a period of time, you would stay by the door for days, crying for me to come back. Your shadow are everywhere to me.

Now, whenever it rains, I would want to run to your grave, dig you out and shelter you. I just want to keep you by my side and hug you everyday. I can't help not to think about you, wondering are you soaking wet under the rain in the ground, or even if you're still there. I want and yearn to see you every night in my dreams and yet dreams are not controlled by me. The moment you are not around, I cry to sleep and I cry to wake up.

I couldn't forgive myself when I think about you being bitten, seriously injured by the roadside, crying out for us, crying out for help and yet no one was there. I couldn't forgive myself for not being there when you need me the most. I couldn't forgive myself due to my own selfishness and stubbornness, you died in pain. I couldn't forgive myself for not coming back to you earlier when I can. I couldn't forgive myself that I didn't insist Mommy and Daddy to bring you over to KL for treatment.  If only...and if only...I am so sorry, baby.

Whenever I am with you, you are happy. My heart ache to the core that I can hardly breathe, yet thinking about you every single day. I truly wish that I could go with you, if you could ask God to take me along. You might be only a part of my life, but to you, I am your everything, the only person in your whole life. Life without you, I am struggling to live on and I realize you are not just a part of my life, but my world. I am losing half of my world. If only I am given a wish, I will never leave you alone ever again.

26 MAY 2009 - 24 MAY 2014

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤Dear Boy❤

Dear Boy,

You came to me last night, I couldn't think of anything else but to play and accompany you while I still can. I know you will be leaving sooner or later. Words are unclear to me. I tried to tell you all I can. I am sorry, that I wasn't there when you need me the most. I can't remembered if I apologized to you. You could have still be here, if it wasn't for my stubbornness, my bad temper, my childishness, my selfishness. All I can think it's only for myself. If only I spare some thoughts for others as well, especially those who love me dearly. If only I was there, you will only follow me, and I knew, in your eyes, there's only me. I am sorry that you died in pain because of me.  I am really sorry that you have to bear the pain because of my mistakes.  I will never forgive myself till my very last breath.I will never want another till the day I meet you again.

Dear Boy,

Now that you are free to go wherever you want. Be happy, eat all you want and I will always long to meet you, sooner or later. I don't know where are you now. I just hope, HeavenlyPapa will bring you to Grandmama and meet Grandpapa as well. I believe they will feed you well, just like when Grandmama is still around, how she loves to feed you and play around with you. You taught me, and I truly learnt my lesson this time. I promise you, there will be nothing from me is for me, ever again. I miss talking to you, I miss having you lying around me and just stick to me all day long. I never want Mommy and Daddy to clear up your stuff, but...they just have to. You have always been a smiling love that cheers me up all the time. It kills me inside out, that you are no longer by my side.
All that I could wish as for now, come back to me. Don't just come back, but appear to me and I will follow you, to be with you forever. Please...never ever forget me.

Love,
~Alyssa Cross~
~xoxo~

❤24th MAY 2014 : 1711❤

Life isn't fragile. Life is cruel.

I was anticipating to return home, knowing you will be there waiting for me. Overwhelmed with all my regrets, it is because of my stubbornness, bad temper, that you will never be there anymore. I called you, there was no answer. I tried to wake you up again and again, you just wouldn't want to wake up at all. I tried to held your tiny body on my hand, but you didn't even want to look at me at all. I am finally back home, why didn't you come running towards me happily asking for a hug? 

I remember how you follow me around all day long without getting bored of me. I remember how you used to call out whenever the phone rings. I remember how you always wanted to sleep with me whenever night falls. I remember how you comfort me whenever I am down at my lowest point whereby no one cares about me all. I remember how you make me happy all day without fail. I remember and remember... I'm worried and afraid, what if, one day I can never recall back my life with you anymore.

I sent you off with my bare hand, wondering will you ever feel lonely, scare and cold without me sleeping side by side. One second I thought that I'm glad I brought you over to new home once, perhaps you will be familiar at your new place right now, at least, hopefully. I couldn't bare to leave the garden at all, leaving you alone isn't a choice for me anymore. I blame no one but myself. If only I have returned earlier, I can still hug you to bed and none of this incident will happen. It's all my fault that you died in pain. I can still hear you, crying out "Where are you, when I needed you the most?"

Days will never be the same without you. I will never have anyone else, anymore. 

Couldn't ask for more, but be happy with Grandmama in heaven now. Finally, you get to meet Grandpapa. I know they will take good care of you, till the day we meet again. I will keep you by my side forever and never let you go, just as how you used to want me to do so.

I love you, more than anything else in life.

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~