❤July Wish❤

The day that I fear finally arrived. A perfect gift that I received to 2014's birthday. I told myself if I ever found a reason to give up, to forget, to move on, to be happy without you, to stop crying because of you, to stop loving you, to... and to... and to...and... the list will never end. I finally found that reason. You said you are a philosopher, whatever quoted will definitely be better. You asked if I am jealous? Is that what makes you happy if I am jealous? For some reason, I will not admit, and I will try not to be. Is this a revenge that you are planning for? Well, it hits me. 

One once told me, as long as you are happy, it doesn't matter who you are with. I tried to make myself believe this, and when I finally experienced it, I tell you the truth, this is bullshit. You can never be happy seeing the one you love with someone else. Cleared my mind from this quote.

I don't believe in fairy tales nor true love. I always convince myself there's no one on earth will truly love you no matter what. I'm still living by it and will live by it. At times, I would ask myself, perhaps there's true love but I am just denying it until the day that you've reached the limit, that is why, true love from you never exist anymore. Convincing or should I say, comforting myself that it also proved that true love never exists. What is true love?

You once walk alone in tears, until the day that you finally give up and turn away from me. And right now onward, it will be the start that I will walk alone in tears, until the day that I finally give up and leave by myself. You said it's 300 times more depressed that how I feel right now, all I can say, I tried hard to get you back, for me it's real hard, way beyond what I will do, perhaps you just don't see it that way. Everyone on this earth is fighting a battle that you will never know anything about it. No one can judge a single thing about someone else including myself.

You told me to be a better person, try hard to live better and keep believing that someday, you and I will be happy together again if fate allows, that's what you did when I first, twice left. I tried, but I'm not as tough as you or others would see me to be. I can't. I'm just a spoil dependent child. If only fate is true.

The one that will never stay, just as the pink rose.

All I could wish for, ask for, beg for this year's birthday, a memory lost.

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤Hard Lesson❤

The third day without you, I roamed around the house aimlessly. As a Christian, I don't really know or understand how life after death really is. Christian believes that soul goes to a part of heaven after every death, that's the very basic thing that I know. By right, you are already in heaven. However, according to Chinese religion, souls tend to roam around the world, especially home before they actually realized that they are dead not until the 7th day, which is the day souls will be back to their family members for the one last time before they move on to reincarnation. I don't know if I should think it this way, is your soul still following me around at home not knowing that you are dead? Will you come back and leave me your last message when the 7th arrive?

I can't help it but to keep on thinking about you. This home is filled with your shadow and all the memories I had with you. Things that I wanted to do when we move into our new home, I'll have a corner where you can have your own space in my room, so that we can sleep together when night falls. We could play in the garden, take you for a walk around our new place which is much more spacious that the home we are living now. All this will never come to past.
Whenever I think about how innocent you died, there's nothing I can do but to blame myself for everything. I'm so sad to the extend that, I don't know what to do everyday, and just stone around sighing. I can't even concentrate on my final, yet wondering will I ever graduate? Now that you are no longer around, I guess I can finally leave here in peace.


One once told me, life and death is control by God. It's true that I'm furious at God why did He let this thing happened to you. Why didn't He save you when you are in pain? I wanted to blame God so much, so badly, but I couldn't. All things happened for a reason and He has His purpose. And I believed that He did this to you, just because of me. At the end of the day, everything is still my own fault, and I have no right to blame anyone in my life.

Everything that I'm going through, everything that's happening to me, it's all my own fault. I will not want the same incident to happen again. You are gone because of me and I can never forgive myself. I am truly sorry that you suffered your last breath because of me. Your incident has taught me hard, real hard. I have learnt my most cruel lesson ever in my entire life. I promise you, I will learn to stop living in the past, ever again. I just wish that... God didn't choose this way to teach me my life's lesson. *heart-break*

Love,
~Alyssa Cross~
~xoxo~

❤26 MAY 2009❤

2006 onward, my days haven't been good at all. 26 MAY 2009, I found my joy and laughter through you. This is the day that you came to this world, and was sent to my family. My years gradually improved with the days spent with you. Being Mommy's little boy, I didn't expect that you would love me more than anything and anyone else. 

Every day when I return home, you would welcome me with excitement. When I am home, you would look after me, follow me every where, never leave my side, even though it's just a small home. When it's time for meal, you would come to me and we dine together. And when night falls, unlike the normal days staying in your own bed when I am not around, instead you would follow me to bed. Whenever I am heading out, you would want to follow, and yet sometimes I would insist not to bring you along. Whenever I am going back to KL or somewhere else for a period of time, you would stay by the door for days, crying for me to come back. Your shadow are everywhere to me.

Now, whenever it rains, I would want to run to your grave, dig you out and shelter you. I just want to keep you by my side and hug you everyday. I can't help not to think about you, wondering are you soaking wet under the rain in the ground, or even if you're still there. I want and yearn to see you every night in my dreams and yet dreams are not controlled by me. The moment you are not around, I cry to sleep and I cry to wake up.

I couldn't forgive myself when I think about you being bitten, seriously injured by the roadside, crying out for us, crying out for help and yet no one was there. I couldn't forgive myself for not being there when you need me the most. I couldn't forgive myself due to my own selfishness and stubbornness, you died in pain. I couldn't forgive myself for not coming back to you earlier when I can. I couldn't forgive myself that I didn't insist Mommy and Daddy to bring you over to KL for treatment.  If only...and if only...I am so sorry, baby.

Whenever I am with you, you are happy. My heart ache to the core that I can hardly breathe, yet thinking about you every single day. I truly wish that I could go with you, if you could ask God to take me along. You might be only a part of my life, but to you, I am your everything, the only person in your whole life. Life without you, I am struggling to live on and I realize you are not just a part of my life, but my world. I am losing half of my world. If only I am given a wish, I will never leave you alone ever again.

26 MAY 2009 - 24 MAY 2014

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤Dear Boy❤

Dear Boy,

You came to me last night, I couldn't think of anything else but to play and accompany you while I still can. I know you will be leaving sooner or later. Words are unclear to me. I tried to tell you all I can. I am sorry, that I wasn't there when you need me the most. I can't remembered if I apologized to you. You could have still be here, if it wasn't for my stubbornness, my bad temper, my childishness, my selfishness. All I can think it's only for myself. If only I spare some thoughts for others as well, especially those who love me dearly. If only I was there, you will only follow me, and I knew, in your eyes, there's only me. I am sorry that you died in pain because of me.  I am really sorry that you have to bear the pain because of my mistakes.  I will never forgive myself till my very last breath.I will never want another till the day I meet you again.

Dear Boy,

Now that you are free to go wherever you want. Be happy, eat all you want and I will always long to meet you, sooner or later. I don't know where are you now. I just hope, HeavenlyPapa will bring you to Grandmama and meet Grandpapa as well. I believe they will feed you well, just like when Grandmama is still around, how she loves to feed you and play around with you. You taught me, and I truly learnt my lesson this time. I promise you, there will be nothing from me is for me, ever again. I miss talking to you, I miss having you lying around me and just stick to me all day long. I never want Mommy and Daddy to clear up your stuff, but...they just have to. You have always been a smiling love that cheers me up all the time. It kills me inside out, that you are no longer by my side.
All that I could wish as for now, come back to me. Don't just come back, but appear to me and I will follow you, to be with you forever. Please...never ever forget me.

Love,
~Alyssa Cross~
~xoxo~

❤24th MAY 2014 : 1711❤

Life isn't fragile. Life is cruel.

I was anticipating to return home, knowing you will be there waiting for me. Overwhelmed with all my regrets, it is because of my stubbornness, bad temper, that you will never be there anymore. I called you, there was no answer. I tried to wake you up again and again, you just wouldn't want to wake up at all. I tried to held your tiny body on my hand, but you didn't even want to look at me at all. I am finally back home, why didn't you come running towards me happily asking for a hug? 

I remember how you follow me around all day long without getting bored of me. I remember how you used to call out whenever the phone rings. I remember how you always wanted to sleep with me whenever night falls. I remember how you comfort me whenever I am down at my lowest point whereby no one cares about me all. I remember how you make me happy all day without fail. I remember and remember... I'm worried and afraid, what if, one day I can never recall back my life with you anymore.

I sent you off with my bare hand, wondering will you ever feel lonely, scare and cold without me sleeping side by side. One second I thought that I'm glad I brought you over to new home once, perhaps you will be familiar at your new place right now, at least, hopefully. I couldn't bare to leave the garden at all, leaving you alone isn't a choice for me anymore. I blame no one but myself. If only I have returned earlier, I can still hug you to bed and none of this incident will happen. It's all my fault that you died in pain. I can still hear you, crying out "Where are you, when I needed you the most?"

Days will never be the same without you. I will never have anyone else, anymore. 

Couldn't ask for more, but be happy with Grandmama in heaven now. Finally, you get to meet Grandpapa. I know they will take good care of you, till the day we meet again. I will keep you by my side forever and never let you go, just as how you used to want me to do so.

I love you, more than anything else in life.

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤Am I Happy?❤

It is not because I love you just a little bit, it is because I love you too much, that is why I am trying so hard to be happy. Love and hate are equal. When you just love a little, you would just hate a little. Hence, vice versa. A little of love and a little of hatred, it is just so easy to get along. You move on and forget about everything.

What about when you love too much? You hate even more. You try even harder to be happy without em' and yet you know and you know it, you can never be happy without em'.

You act like you don't care at all. You are fine without em' because you think you are happy. 

When night hits, you are all alone. Think and think, and you keep on thinking. What is the matter with you? Why are you trying so hard to be happy, when you can simply be happy just by staying side by side with em'. 

Holding on grudges, being too afraid to trust again and the world just make you into a complicated person. You have seen too much, expect too much and want too much. One day, when you are left with nothing, that is when you will realized, you should have just be the simple innocent girl that you used to be.

Just because I love you too much.

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤21st March 2014 : 2321❤

The day that finally speaks out my regrets. People come and go. Again and again, I asked myself, what is life all about? Seeking for the answer like forever and yet no one can explain. Stubborn enough not to accept all that have been given, a piece of advice. When will be the day that you finally wake up? 

Who would ever understand the bond that built within, once a stranger, came into your life, and the rest of the days will never be the same  because of the footprints of life that you left- family-liked uncle.

Things that I have been wanting to do, no word can describe that how I wish I have acted earlier and not dragging it all along. Even if I could or wanted to so badly right now, it is all too late because regrets and sorry meant nothing at all to the dead.

I carry a smile on my face day by day, who would ever understand how much my heart cry out and bleed, and yet I expect no one.

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~