❤The Pain of Love❤

What is it like to love a person? Someone once told me, no matter how much that person broke your heart into pieces, you'll never give up on him/her. You just want to stay with them for the rest of your life. 

How does it feel to sincerely tell a person that you truly love him/her? Shy, blush, warm? Or happiness? For once, saying 'I love you', it feels like, yer floating in the sky. Nothing seems to be perfect to you, but looking into his/her eyes, everything is perfect when both are together. Just like a child, knowing nothing but saying what they mean without lies. Happy and sweet. It feels the same when someone you love tells you that, but what happens when your respond is only a nod?

Saying for the sake of saying it, it's like...' Okay, I've said it and that's it. My job is done.' Living in a relationship like this, yer just torturing yourself, wasting all your time and life for nothing. You don't see that there's a future for you.

What is happiness then? A feeling when there's someone who will let you feel that you own the whole world. Nothing matters at all because the only thing you need is him/her. One that will never leave you no matter what happen. It's a feeling of needing nothing but only him/her. LV, Chanel, Gucci, Prada, Hermes, Jimmy Choo's and so on can't buy your heart.

What is promise? Promise is not a solution. The only solution is to act, but actions take time. To prove a thing takes time. Knowing whether it is worth of waiting or not? Trust your feeling. It will tell you the truth.

Telling one that you'll do this and that, get this and that, buy this and that...I tell you the truth, this is all bullshyt. The only feeling you'll get is not love, but just a materialistic pathetic life.

Moving on to fast in a relationship isn't good at all. A person seems to turn into a monster day by day when you actually get to know him/her. Everything may seems to be perfect in the beginning, but when time comes, hurtful words, harsh temper, insincerity, everything starts to reveal itself. A life that you are expecting turn out to be a misery.

Sometimes, even when you did care about him/her but they do not think it that way, it crushes your heart into pieces. The one that truly love, understands you more than anything else and that's all you need. This is when you know you have found the one.

On the other hand, why want to start reading the same book again when you know how it will end? Could there be a miracle that the storyline will change? This is confusing. But think again, does it worth for you to risk your time again for a miracle?

*****Stays, Always*****

Love,

Alyssa Cross

~xoxo~

❤Love It or Leave It❤

It's the 3rd day of the month of July. I wonder if I'm under depression. Or what... I am still the same old me. My stubborn-ness leads me to hell. Academic, relationships, career and so on. Frankly speaking, I intend to let it be a whole new world. Strive hard enough to fight my own feelings, somehow I've failed. I couldn't do it as how it was planned. My last minute habit is still there, that is why my results ain't going any better.

First thing to focus from today onwards, study smart. I've been away from church for months, looks like it's time to go home. Secondly, be active in church again, no matter how far the distance is. Family always come first. No one, not every a single person could ever replace them. Love my family. Friends, those whom I deserve to call them my friends, always stand by me. Thanks a lot MyDearS, Baby, BB, Bei, Hanny,MYKY and every one else.

Of course, memories do hurt, from time to time, I think of you. Wondering, if you would accept me again. Yes indeed you've made it clear, there's no turning back for our sisterhood. What I can say for now, accept the fact and move on. Learn my mistake and never take anyone who truly loves me for granted. Seeing you happy, everything is worthwhile for me to move on alone. My emotion ain't stable. It goes up and down, yet I didn't know what to do. Everything undecided. How I wish there's someone who would decide it for me.

Relationship ain't going on well for me this year. Feeling threaten by harsh words, not knowing whether I should trust again. Truth is always there. You can't hide it for long. I've learnt mine and everyone else should. Days that I found out the truth, the more I think the more I get. Was it a coincident? Or it is just the truth? Again, I don't think I will ever put my trust in, anymore. Sorry doesn't mean everything. Once broken consider sold. How can you mend back a broken glass? There will still be scars in a wounded heart. I tried to recall back any of my happy moments, but I found nothing in us but plenty in others. Another disastrous year, please be gone.

Love,

Alyssa Cross

~xoxo~ 

❤The Sixth Month❤

The Sixth-month, it feels like just yesterday it all happened. I thought, it would be a better year ahead, but it wasn't. Ain't want to think negatively, but it's just the fact right in front of my eyes. Consequence that I need to bear from my own actions. I wonder if I'm trying to live the life that people are trying to create for me, ain't the life that I wanted. What do I want then?
I always thought that it will be different, but somehow it wasn't the truth. I'm just lying to myself.  Money can't buy happiness, just temporal satisfaction. I don't need temporal satisfaction, just a support that I can get in everything that I do. Too much rules that I need to follow in order for what I've chosen. This ain't what I wanted. A world without boundaries.
Failing isn't in my dictionary but failing has come to reality. I couldn't give out the best in me, NO!!! It's not that, I DIDN'T give out the best in me. 2011 is a disastrous year. Like how it goes, I'd go back to December all the time. Somehow it's just a wishful thinking. It's not something that I can change.

*****Just as the Dead Rose*****

Love,

Alyssa Cross

~xoxo~

❤My Guardian Angel❤

Exactly six weeks that you have left, it will all remain as a memory to me. Couldn't get used to everyday life without you. From time to time, I think of you. One night, I saw Grandmama and Grandpapa, waving at me with a wide smile. Telling me everything's gonna be alright. Nothing to be worry about anymore. There is no longer pain and suffering. Just happiness for being together right now. I still couldn't accept the fact that yer gone now. I miss both of you dearly. Your goodness, being adorable, never bored of listening and talking to me, as the most wonderful kind-hearted person. Every time when I see you walking out of the room, it is like a peek-a-boo. Every late night when I got home, I would look through the windows just to watch you sleep soundly. All that I no longer have or can do. What is life gonna be like without you? The Queen of My Heart.

You've always been my guardian angel even now that I no longer have you. You never leave but continue with your job as a protector to me. How naive could I be, not knowing that it is the lowest point of life when I took my first step out of your circle of life. Telling me that I will always be your Princess, deep down inside I knew that there is no other love in world I could find again. The most precious that I ever have, My Guardian Angel. Now and forever.

I am responsible for my own choice and action. Now that I understand, love isn't about being together but seeing one being happy. My lost can never be replaced.

*****Journey ahead of me*****

Love,

Alyssa Cross

~xoxo~

❤Miracles❤

A call received at 2 a.m. There's nothing else I can do but to pray and keep praying. Seeing all that is happening , with my exams around the corner, how can you expect me to concentrate right now? My mind flew off to no where. I only have two weeks away before the first day, perhaps lesser.

Flashing back all the memories I had ever since I was born, if only I could remember.Wishing that time never travels. I would have change it all. Once again, nothing is more precious than families. I had a dream. Traces you have left for me, I could still see the footprints of yours. Water of ocean, if you could, please erase it all with your strong waves. All that you've done, is much appreciated. Love what you have right now and not later. Days doesn't come back again like you wish for. It's a world full of realities.

O God, can you hear me? I need Your strength. I need Your miracle. I need Your power.

Please pray for Grandmama.

Love,

Alyssa Cross

~xoxo~



❤FIN❤

Believe and will always believe everything written, every word spoken.

*****Glows*****

Love,

Alyssa Cross

~xoxo~

❤Brand new❤

It has been running through my mind. For the very first time, it went downhill for me. What a shock, and I was prepared for that. Expected...but never hope for it. Emotion draining from the peak. It's like the end of the world, but life still goes on. Nothing else I can do but just to lift my head up again and continue to move forward. Time is ticking, can I ask, please stop just for a moment? How I wish I can stay at that very moment forever. Wouldn't it be meaningless??? I wonder. Indeed I will never know what will happen in the future if I stop here.

I'm living in the grey. Not knowing which is white and which is black. No longer feel attached. How can I get the feeling back? By effort? By faith? By trust? By hope? By confidence? I've lost it all. Emptiness filled my heart. A loser. Tell me now, how can a loser be a winner again? Once again, I've repeated the same old mistakes. Again and again it goes in a circle. Break the bond and stop moving in the circle. First step has never been easy, but with the courage to take the first step, everything will be worthwhile. What are you waiting for then?

Counting down the days, it's going to end. By then I will have to see who is the lucky one, telling me the happiness you can give to. I can never deny that it sores, but it's the decision that I've made. Never regret, i told myself. Even if the whole world no longer mean anything to me, I will be happy. Happy for what He has given to me, MyFamily.I've learnt to fly solo.

It feels sad, but my tears were all dried up. No matter how hard I try, not even a drop that I can feel. Weird but good? My heart has harden, just like a diamond that it will never break. Beauty but it means nothing.

Strives hard enough, or even harder that I've never been to that level, still I have the same results. Questioning and doubting. O well... there's nothing else I can say or do. I'm tired enough. Give me a break. Deleting all the data in my memory. I need a new space from today onwards, to fill my new adventure of life. Appreciate my if you will. Leave me if you can't do it. Truth is all I want.

Love,

Alyssa Cross

~xoxo~

❤Imma Big Lier❤

I can't help it but to continue to lie to myself. Just by what is said, I can see that there's no longer a future. No matter how well I tried to maintain it, how much effort I've put, how much together-ness we have, there's only one ending. Question is answered, rather than accepting it, I deny.

Isn't it foolish? How can I do this to myself? Again and again, trying to hurt what I'm not suppose to. How long can I still stand the pain? Building a house on the sand, just like drowning myself in the water.

Sorry isn't what I want, I'm tired of all the excuses, but that's all I get.  

I can never tell, what can I expect from you?  

只好让我的心慢慢的破碎

*****Crush It & Let It Turns Into Dust!!!*****

Love,

AlyssaCross

~xoxo~

❤The Lost Sheep❤

No matter how much I tried, I know and I know that you'll never believe. Although I am the lost sheep, I'm still protected. Something that I cannot lose, and never will. Am I on the right path? I can never have the answers and the door will be shut, until the day comes. I can see how helpless I am right now, I'm feeling tired. For a thousand times that I heard 'it hurts', feeling hurt for something that isn't the truth?

Emotion draining, the truth is I will never know when will it stops. Nobody's fault, I can never blame the rest for what had happened. Perhaps it is just myself, my own feelings that I couldn't let it down. Struggling with unnecessity which I shouldn't, ending up in misery with wrong decision made. I can never look back, and even if I do, things no longer be the same. Any simply mistakes or decisions made now, can cause a deep wound for the innocents that can hardly be cured. 

I can't find the reason for every actions taken, wondering that am I doing it just to hurt myself? Or I'm just the lost sheep that needs its shepherd?

Love is never about revenge but anger kills it all. Feeling happy from the outside, but what lies behind the happiness?

Love,

Alyssa Cross

~xoxo~



❤Sleepless Night❤

Having sleepless night, waking up in the middle of the night isn't a good thing at all. Tired during the day, my emotion just drains off. I wonder why. What am I hoping for? Nothing! What am I looking for? Nothing. What's the truth beyond every criticism? There's no need for me to explain.

My world started to change because of every little decision I've made. I can't be sure nor can I predict. Putting on a risk, I dare not face the day without "being so used to have it". I tried not to think, not even to recall back, but it's like a puzzle, trying to arrange itself one by one. I hear your echo...calling me. A sketch that is erased and re-drawn every single tik-tok.

Everything might be the same, but not for me. I treasure every single bits that I can still have. I asked myself..zillions of questions that I can't even find my answers.

Every moment, whenever I heard that yer hurting, I can't deny that I still care. I didn't what to but I can't help it because I've always been this way and will be. Sneak on to what yer writing in the journal, at least I know. Full of hatred I can feel it, but beyond it, there's still something can't be removed or never will. Perhaps it's just me, thinking out of nothing. My heart sores but it's a memory, because it is the 13th of the month.

Love,

AlyssaCross

~xoxo~

❤When Love Turns Into Hatred❤

When love turns into hatred, nothing seems to be right in you eyes again. There no one to blame for, but myself. Everything that's happening isn't any one's fault , only me...but that doesn't mean I did wrong. No matter what people around is talking about, deep down inside I know that... as long as I'm not going on the wrong path, doing things I'm not supposed to, I can still stand firm before your eyes. I'm not afraid of all the obstacles, of all the bullets that will be shooting at me, I have my shield to guard me. You were never wrong about me, I am still who I am... but to protect myself, I must not be who I am. Do not rebuke or accuse MyPapa, it isn't His fault. I'm responsible for everything that I'm doing or will do. I might be wrong for any other to see, I don't mind and I don't even want to care. You, who loves me will see through MyHeart, knowing that it's pure and trustworthy, never betray itself. It's a promise that I've made with Him.

*****MyOnlyTrue-self,InTheReflection*****

Love,

AlyssaCross

~xoxo~