❤Retreat❤

You knew I was about to fall off the cliff, yet you happily watched me fall. With all the woes and wounds of mine, you held out your hand and saved me. You rather let me die than to warn me about the truth you knew. You have my respect and I salute you.

In order to stop dwelling in untrustworthy words and actions.

In order to stop deceiving myself with all the truth that appears.

In order to stop tearing myself apart being invisible to you.

Right at this moment, it's time to retreat.

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤Unwritten❤

You always love to make up lies, yet I'm responsible for acting out scenes.
I made all the changes in me, so that I could step into your world.
The same old scene has been repeating itself more than a hundred times.
Only then I realised your heart is never mine, no longer mine.
You drew the border between us, rules that I must not simple break.

All my time have been prioritised for you.
Unknowingly, I'm so in love to the point that I dare not take any risks.
Having been your puppet for a year, then 2 years, and 3 years... the list went on.
A mix feelings of anxiety, fear, melancholy, frustration and...
Longing for happiness, a real life fairy tale, that's when I realised how pathetic I am.

I tried so hard, again and again, 
To ignore the obvious and shield myself from the blunt truth,
That you are truly clueless to how much you've hurt me.

A compromised love, still remains unresolved in the end.
Telling me how wonderful things could be.
Yet the story could not be written because your actions spoke the truth.
I've tried to grasp onto you, so that you would stay beside me.
But history keeps repeating itself and I'm exhausted.

Once you've made your ultimatum, I will hide in my own world.
I no longer want to shed any more tears for you.
I understand, you will never change for me.
No more pondering, I shall begin tomorrow myself.

Growth is painful.
Change is painful.
But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong.

she was a black unicorn, 

a mermaid washed ashore,

searching in a land of yesterday,

for a love that was no more...

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤Solitude❤

Hoping that things will be different, and yes it is different now. Just the matter of good or bad. Good for you, and both for me. It is hard to say whose fault to begin with, ain't going to start to pointing again as there will never be an end and it was never one party's fault. 

Is it even possible for a person to turn over a new leaf with the same broken one? Trying my very best to leave out what I am supposed to, and yes I did. Sadly, the trust never comes back at all. I questioned every single voice, every single actions, every single smile, every single laughter, every single thoughts, every single texts, every single calls, and the list goes on. I am living in doubts.

Things were taken into account. Comparison. 'Why' for every actions, every word said to the past and never to me. Dates and occasions that are important to me, was never for you. You never plan for me but you did for the past. Every single joy I had, good news, excitement, ups and down, you were the first that I would think of, but at that very moment, I paused...should I tell you? I hesitated.

I've told myself, well, good riddance, I am not going to care every single thing. I mean, really.... and yet... I failed. I don't understand our relationship. Sometimes we're friends, sometimes we're more than friends, and sometimes I'm just a stranger to you... I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone... it's not... The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone, even when you're together. I never believe, not until I finally experienced it.

I may not be the first to you anymore, and that's the fact for me to accept. I am no longer your first priority. No longer exist in your present and future plans. Not even the person you would love whole heartily. I am just... merely your friend with benefits. You never noticed how torn apart and broken am I.

It takes a lot of courage and trust to look past what you've been through, and trust someone new not to put you through it again. Take my word, it's every harder to trust the same old person. There is a difference between giving up, and knowing when you have had enough. Worst still, I am stuck in between.

What is that I am lack of, that I don't deserve to be treated well?

What is that I am lack of, that I don't deserve true love?

What is that I am lack of, that I don't deserve loyalty?

What is that I am lack of, that I don't deserve faithfulness?
What is that I am lack of, that I don't deserve happiness?

What is that I am lack of, that having me alone is never enough for you? 

I'm tired of fighting and now there is nothing left to fight for. I'm tired of explaining my feelings to you but now I don't have the energy to explain them anymore. I have to adapt to the changes in my life and I don't want to complain. I am on a self healing process and I am trying to forget everything I ever wanted from you. My silence, I am just trying to move on gracefully and with all my dignity.

One of the hardest decisions you'll ever face in life, choosing whether to walk away or try harder. You may not be pushing me away, but you're not fighting to keep me either. Above all, there's only one thing that I would ask from you. Don't come back breaking my heart, my life...ever again, I beg.

It's hot, yet my body shivers.

*****What exactly am I to you?*****

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤July Wish❤

The day that I fear finally arrived. A perfect gift that I received to 2014's birthday. I told myself if I ever found a reason to give up, to forget, to move on, to be happy without you, to stop crying because of you, to stop loving you, to... and to... and to...and... the list will never end. I finally found that reason. You said you are a philosopher, whatever quoted will definitely be better. You asked if I am jealous? Is that what makes you happy if I am jealous? For some reason, I will not admit, and I will try not to be. Is this a revenge that you are planning for? Well, it hits me. 

One once told me, as long as you are happy, it doesn't matter who you are with. I tried to make myself believe this, and when I finally experienced it, I tell you the truth, this is bullshit. You can never be happy seeing the one you love with someone else. Cleared my mind from this quote.

I don't believe in fairy tales nor true love. I always convince myself there's no one on earth will truly love you no matter what. I'm still living by it and will live by it. At times, I would ask myself, perhaps there's true love but I am just denying it until the day that you've reached the limit, that is why, true love from you never exist anymore. Convincing or should I say, comforting myself that it also proved that true love never exists. What is true love?

You once walk alone in tears, until the day that you finally give up and turn away from me. And right now onward, it will be the start that I will walk alone in tears, until the day that I finally give up and leave by myself. You said it's 300 times more depressed that how I feel right now, all I can say, I tried hard to get you back, for me it's real hard, way beyond what I will do, perhaps you just don't see it that way. Everyone on this earth is fighting a battle that you will never know anything about it. No one can judge a single thing about someone else including myself.

You told me to be a better person, try hard to live better and keep believing that someday, you and I will be happy together again if fate allows, that's what you did when I first, twice left. I tried, but I'm not as tough as you or others would see me to be. I can't. I'm just a spoil dependent child. If only fate is true.

The one that will never stay, just as the pink rose.

All I could wish for, ask for, beg for this year's birthday, a memory lost.

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤Hard Lesson❤

The third day without you, I roamed around the house aimlessly. As a Christian, I don't really know or understand how life after death really is. Christian believes that soul goes to a part of heaven after every death, that's the very basic thing that I know. By right, you are already in heaven. However, according to Chinese religion, souls tend to roam around the world, especially home before they actually realized that they are dead not until the 7th day, which is the day souls will be back to their family members for the one last time before they move on to reincarnation. I don't know if I should think it this way, is your soul still following me around at home not knowing that you are dead? Will you come back and leave me your last message when the 7th arrive?

I can't help it but to keep on thinking about you. This home is filled with your shadow and all the memories I had with you. Things that I wanted to do when we move into our new home, I'll have a corner where you can have your own space in my room, so that we can sleep together when night falls. We could play in the garden, take you for a walk around our new place which is much more spacious that the home we are living now. All this will never come to past.
Whenever I think about how innocent you died, there's nothing I can do but to blame myself for everything. I'm so sad to the extend that, I don't know what to do everyday, and just stone around sighing. I can't even concentrate on my final, yet wondering will I ever graduate? Now that you are no longer around, I guess I can finally leave here in peace.


One once told me, life and death is control by God. It's true that I'm furious at God why did He let this thing happened to you. Why didn't He save you when you are in pain? I wanted to blame God so much, so badly, but I couldn't. All things happened for a reason and He has His purpose. And I believed that He did this to you, just because of me. At the end of the day, everything is still my own fault, and I have no right to blame anyone in my life.

Everything that I'm going through, everything that's happening to me, it's all my own fault. I will not want the same incident to happen again. You are gone because of me and I can never forgive myself. I am truly sorry that you suffered your last breath because of me. Your incident has taught me hard, real hard. I have learnt my most cruel lesson ever in my entire life. I promise you, I will learn to stop living in the past, ever again. I just wish that... God didn't choose this way to teach me my life's lesson. *heart-break*

Love,
~Alyssa Cross~
~xoxo~

❤26 MAY 2009❤

2006 onward, my days haven't been good at all. 26 MAY 2009, I found my joy and laughter through you. This is the day that you came to this world, and was sent to my family. My years gradually improved with the days spent with you. Being Mommy's little boy, I didn't expect that you would love me more than anything and anyone else. 

Every day when I return home, you would welcome me with excitement. When I am home, you would look after me, follow me every where, never leave my side, even though it's just a small home. When it's time for meal, you would come to me and we dine together. And when night falls, unlike the normal days staying in your own bed when I am not around, instead you would follow me to bed. Whenever I am heading out, you would want to follow, and yet sometimes I would insist not to bring you along. Whenever I am going back to KL or somewhere else for a period of time, you would stay by the door for days, crying for me to come back. Your shadow are everywhere to me.

Now, whenever it rains, I would want to run to your grave, dig you out and shelter you. I just want to keep you by my side and hug you everyday. I can't help not to think about you, wondering are you soaking wet under the rain in the ground, or even if you're still there. I want and yearn to see you every night in my dreams and yet dreams are not controlled by me. The moment you are not around, I cry to sleep and I cry to wake up.

I couldn't forgive myself when I think about you being bitten, seriously injured by the roadside, crying out for us, crying out for help and yet no one was there. I couldn't forgive myself for not being there when you need me the most. I couldn't forgive myself due to my own selfishness and stubbornness, you died in pain. I couldn't forgive myself for not coming back to you earlier when I can. I couldn't forgive myself that I didn't insist Mommy and Daddy to bring you over to KL for treatment.  If only...and if only...I am so sorry, baby.

Whenever I am with you, you are happy. My heart ache to the core that I can hardly breathe, yet thinking about you every single day. I truly wish that I could go with you, if you could ask God to take me along. You might be only a part of my life, but to you, I am your everything, the only person in your whole life. Life without you, I am struggling to live on and I realize you are not just a part of my life, but my world. I am losing half of my world. If only I am given a wish, I will never leave you alone ever again.

26 MAY 2009 - 24 MAY 2014

Love,

~Alyssa Cross~

~xoxo~

❤Dear Boy❤

Dear Boy,

You came to me last night, I couldn't think of anything else but to play and accompany you while I still can. I know you will be leaving sooner or later. Words are unclear to me. I tried to tell you all I can. I am sorry, that I wasn't there when you need me the most. I can't remembered if I apologized to you. You could have still be here, if it wasn't for my stubbornness, my bad temper, my childishness, my selfishness. All I can think it's only for myself. If only I spare some thoughts for others as well, especially those who love me dearly. If only I was there, you will only follow me, and I knew, in your eyes, there's only me. I am sorry that you died in pain because of me.  I am really sorry that you have to bear the pain because of my mistakes.  I will never forgive myself till my very last breath.I will never want another till the day I meet you again.

Dear Boy,

Now that you are free to go wherever you want. Be happy, eat all you want and I will always long to meet you, sooner or later. I don't know where are you now. I just hope, HeavenlyPapa will bring you to Grandmama and meet Grandpapa as well. I believe they will feed you well, just like when Grandmama is still around, how she loves to feed you and play around with you. You taught me, and I truly learnt my lesson this time. I promise you, there will be nothing from me is for me, ever again. I miss talking to you, I miss having you lying around me and just stick to me all day long. I never want Mommy and Daddy to clear up your stuff, but...they just have to. You have always been a smiling love that cheers me up all the time. It kills me inside out, that you are no longer by my side.
All that I could wish as for now, come back to me. Don't just come back, but appear to me and I will follow you, to be with you forever. Please...never ever forget me.

Love,
~Alyssa Cross~
~xoxo~