Hoping that things will be different, and yes it is different now. Just the matter of good or bad. Good for you, and both for me. It is hard to say whose fault to begin with, ain't going to start to pointing again as there will never be an end and it was never one party's fault.
Is it even possible for a person to turn over a new leaf with the same broken one? Trying my very best to leave out what I am supposed to, and yes I did. Sadly, the trust never comes back at all. I questioned every single voice, every single actions, every single smile, every single laughter, every single thoughts, every single texts, every single calls, and the list goes on. I am living in doubts.
Things were taken into account. Comparison. 'Why' for every actions, every word said to the past and never to me. Dates and occasions that are important to me, was never for you. You never plan for me but you did for the past. Every single joy I had, good news, excitement, ups and down, you were the first that I would think of, but at that very moment, I paused...should I tell you? I hesitated.
I've told myself, well, good riddance, I am not going to care every single thing. I mean, really.... and yet... I failed. I don't understand our relationship. Sometimes we're friends, sometimes we're more than friends, and sometimes I'm just a stranger to you... I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone... it's not... The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone, even when you're together. I never believe, not until I finally experienced it.
I may not be the first to you anymore, and that's the fact for me to accept. I am no longer your first priority. No longer exist in your present and future plans. Not even the person you would love whole heartily. I am just... merely your friend with benefits. You never noticed how torn apart and broken am I.
It takes a lot of courage and trust to look past what you've been through, and trust someone new not to put you through it again. Take my word, it's every harder to trust the same old person. There is a difference between giving up, and knowing when you have had enough. Worst still, I am stuck in between.
What is that I am lack of, that I don't deserve to be treated well?
What is that I am lack of, that I don't deserve true love?
What is that I am lack of, that I don't deserve loyalty?
What is that I am lack of, that I don't deserve faithfulness?
What is that I am lack of, that I don't deserve happiness?
What is that I am lack of, that having me alone is never enough for you?
I'm tired of fighting and now there is nothing left to fight for. I'm tired of explaining my feelings to you but now I don't have the energy to explain them anymore. I have to adapt to the changes in my life and I don't want to complain. I am on a self healing process and I am trying to forget everything I ever wanted from you. My silence, I am just trying to move on gracefully and with all my dignity.
One of the hardest decisions you'll ever face in life, choosing whether to walk away or try harder. You may not be pushing me away, but you're not fighting to keep me either. Above all, there's only one thing that I would ask from you. Don't come back breaking my heart, my life...ever again, I beg.
It's hot, yet my body shivers.
*****What exactly am I to you?*****
Love,
~Alyssa Cross~
~xoxo~
